I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
