Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
