It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
