last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
