After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
