how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
bring money and cleavage
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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