Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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