Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
