the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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