A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
