hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
