I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just found puke in my bra..
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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