I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
