So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
