I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.