I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.