True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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