i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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