I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
