I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
