It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
