he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
