1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
