Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think I am morally bankrupt
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
