I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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