All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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