proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…