how can u be prego again
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Everclear isn't food dammit
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility