Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
