happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
