I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
