my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
