I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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