you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
