I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
