I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
