I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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