i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
