Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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