do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
