The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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