Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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