That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
