I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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