i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
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