I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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