chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
