ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
