That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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