I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
