I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
