I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
