We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
