Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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