Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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